Voices of Thoughts
by seerstella
Summary: Nanao throws himself into the darkness, again, and probably Kuon can be the light. Again. Translation of 'Suara-suara Pikiran'. Rated M for safety, warnings inside.


Title: Voices of Thoughts

Authoress: Seer M. Anno

Disclaimer: The characters belong to the incredible Sakuraga Mei. I own nothing but the story.

Rating: R

Pairing: Kuon Aikawa/Nanao Shirahane

Summary: Nanao throws himself into the darkness, again, and probably Kuon can be the light. Again.

Genre: Angst with a hopeful ending? AU.

Warning: Slash, possible OOCness, mentions of rape/non-con

A/N: Translation of 'Suara-suara Pikiran'. Also translated (and a bit repaired) for Hermina05 who's been a very dear writer/friend, glad to be your betareader! Unbeta'd, sorry! Hope y'all enjoy!

_blahblahblah_ = thoughts

* * *

**Voices of Thoughts**

**Seer M. Anno**

* * *

"Eh? A cold?"

"Yes. It seems like he came home soaked from the storm."

_Who? Who's talking over there? Is that Aneki? Aneki... do I even deserve to call her Nee-san like usual, my dear nickname for her?_

_I can hear the door being opened. It sounds so quiet, so far, far away. But I know I'm lying on my bed, and my bed's near the door, so why can't I hear it well?_

_My hearings are dull, just like my sight. I can't see anything, the darkness are around me. Did I close my eyes? Am I lying with my eyes closed, or is it really this pitch dark?_

_I don't know, I don't care._

_I care for nothing now._

*.*

"Nanao-san, are you alright?"

_Alright? _Alright?_ Aikawa, I thought you're a smart guy, but why do you ask such a stupid question? Well, you're not stupid... you're just oblivious sometimes, so I should let it slip._

_I _really_ should let it slip. You're still coming to me, this worthless lowlife, who slept with his teacher even though he remembers nothing from that night. You're so kind, and I don't deserve you. _

_Not at all. And maybe, if I kicked you out, you wouldn't come here anymore and leave me alone._

_You really should leave me alone in this darkness, and you'll be just fine. Don't be stupid, you're kind and I'm no longer yours. I'm no longer yours because I'm tainted, because I'm not a kind person and shall not be between all these darkness and horrid nightmares._

_How much I have to think about this... you're too kind Aikawa, I will drag you here if you don't leave. I'll drag you into this darkness and empty quietness and those nightmares of mine._

_Go away, Aikawa._

Kuon had to leave when Nanao's silence and small gestures forced him to.

*.*

"Nanao-san, it's been three days."

_Three days? Who's even counting the days? Between all this fear and darkness, I surely can't._

_But no kidding... I've been trapped here for three days?_

_It's been three days, and I thought you won't come anymore. I wonder how long your stupidity will last. Just how kind-hearted can you really be, idiot?_

_How many times I have to tell you, get out from here! Satonaka-sensei's enough to fill this darkness, making me scream all the time, and I certainly don't need your kind heart here._

"It's been three days since you kicked me out, but I'll keep coming."

Nanao heard him, the voice was just as quiet as three days prior, nothing more than a small whisper. Deep inside himself, he really wanted to break through the darkness and let that light and warmth wash over him, just like days ago, when he was still accostumed with the light by the name of his boyfriend.

_Don't be stupid, _his mind chided himself. _I no longer deserve that. My love for you, Aikawa, is a mistake. A biggest one in my life._

"Nanao-san, Shirahane-san brings you your dinner, and I have to work now."

_So, you think, by staying there, I'll eat?_

"I'll come again, Nanao-san."

Nanao felt a small, very light touch on his forehead, _feels like a ki_—which was denied by his mind, and he could hear footsteps and a sound of the door being closed. That was when he opened his eyes. His room was as dim as ever, the curtains were shut, and his sight couldn't catch anything further from his bed.

_Damn, my sight's decreasing._

The dinner's scent distracted him from his thoughts, and Nanao picked the plate from the nightstand and ate it slowly.

When Kimiko entered the room several hours later, her little brother had fallen asleep, and his dinner was finished. She wondered if Nanao opened his eyes while eating, but only shook her head sadly as she picked the plate and walked outside.

*.*

"Nii-san, this is stupid."

_Stupid? What do you mean by that? What do you know about stupidity, Mikado. You called me stupid? Maybe you're right, maybe I _am_ stupid. Not naively stupid like Aikawa-kun or Aikawa-san, my stupidity is different. People always say I'm smart, but I'm an idiot and I know that._

_My stupidity is that I gave my heart to you, Aikawa, but I've broken it from the start. Can I have it back so you don't need to look for me anymore? I'm an overconfident idiot who believes that my heart had already mended when I met you the first time._

_Kiryu-senpai was right. I'm weird. Abnormal. I thought, after I met Aikawa, I'd be able to prove that my ex-senior was wrong. But in fact, I was the one who made a mistake._

"Aikawa-san has been here just to see you."

_Do you think I don't know about it? Do you think between all this darkness I don't hear his whispers, his callings? Do you think I didn't try to reach out for him?_

_Wait a second._

_I really _didn't_ try. I don't deserve it, only Satonaka-sensei's laugh that I'm worthy of. I still remember his laugh, even though it's been more than a year since we slept together, and at that time I wanted him._

_But when... that terrible night occurred, days days ago, when I was drunk and passed out, I remember nothing. I'm pathetic, am I not? When I'd promised to take care of myself—no, my body—for you, Aikawa, that incident hit me like a high speed train._

"You can't stay like this, Nii-san."

_Mikado. I don't even remember you're still there. You're my little brother, the last person who can pity your pathetic older brother here. Be quiet. Shut up. Don't talk like that, because you're a strong person. Just like Aikawa, both of you are strong and cold and I won't hear you two pitying somebody. _

_Shut up, Mikado._

"Aikawa-san will come over this evening. I don't want to leave you alone, but it seems you won't eat if I stay, so excuse me."

Nanao could hear Mikado's departure, and after the door was closed, he opened his eyes. Only for several minutes a day Nanao wanted to see the light, even in this dim room. He picked his already cold lunch and ate it slowly.

When Kuon finally came, Nanao had long back in his lying position and had closed his eyes, protecting himself under the shell and his frozen heart. Nanao heard a small sigh, and sadness gripped his insides, scarred his said frozen heart.

_Aikawa, don't be sad, especially because of me. Don't be sad because of me. You can get any cute young girl you want, just like your ex, so why are you here?_

"Good evening, Nanao-san."

_Good evening, Aikawa. Your voice isn't as small as before, but I still can't really hear you from this darkness. You're so polite, as usual. You're indeed younger than me, but actually you don't need to be that formal. But well... I still can't call you by your given name, so we're even._

The thoughts was so funny Nanao really wanted to laugh, if he still remembered how to. He remembered the time when calling Kuon's name was so hard and he ended up blushing and flailing his arms everywhere like a love struck schoolgirl.

Suddenly there was a quiet exclaim, and Nanao his ex-boyfriend was surprised of whatever reason.

_What is it, Aikawa? My darling, my darling Aikawa. Do those words deserve to slide down my lips, after all that happened? But you're still calling me Nanao-san, or is it only me who want to preserve my love for you? You're so sweet, Aikawa, and I love every time you call me with that nickname, honorific and all. It feels like the old times. Remember the time you called me that for the first time? Making me lost control of myself?_

"Shirahane-san," Nanao could hear Kuon opening the door and calling his sister. "Shirahane-san."

Nanao didn't hear what Kimiko said, but he heard what Kuon said and he immediately knew what had surprised him. He knew it was also surprising for his sister, for he could hear her quiet shout and her footsteps closer towards his bed.

"Nanao-san just smiled, Shirahane-san."

*.*

"Nanao-san, my shift changed, so I can't come until now."

_It's a miracle that you're still coming. Why's that? I don't want to talk to you, and you also won't want to talk to me if you know what actually happened, what story can be told from that love bite on my thigh. I don't remember, but I know I let Satonaka-sensei give it there and it's the sign how horrible I am._

"I bring you some food. You like it when you stayed with me."

_When is that? Oh. Back then, months ago. I remember._

_It was the first time I cried in front of you. You know, the darkness feels much more suffocating every time I remember those times, and much more times together with you. I still remember your brothers went away for holidays, leaving us alone in our house. Kiryu-senpai haunted my dreams and you insisted that I should no longer tear myself down with such thoughts._

_But, Aikawa, you don't understand. I _really_ don't deserve you. Those thoughts are right. Kiryu-senpai, the person who had pointed it out, was also right about it. You can't force yourself to satisfy me just like I forced myself on you when you first called me Nanao-san._

_Talking about it, it's been a while, yes? I really have no idea what made you look at me and force me to let out that 'I love you' like that. I've liked you since you got enrolled here._

_And you accepted it. You accepted _me_. And your love is my gift and my curse._

Kuon lifted his hand and stroked Nanao's soft hair. He blinked several times and his mouth opened a bit as if wanting to say something, but he repeatedly shut his mouth. So Kuon continued stroking Nanao's soft purple hair and protecting himself under the quietness of the room.

_I can feel your hand on my hair. Not as vague as before, just like your voice that gradually got louder. Maybe because I'm tired of this darkness and Satonaka-sensei's occasional laugh. I really, really want to reject you, but my mind seems to beg to differ, and I'm tired maintaining this wall of darkness._

_But, Aikawa, you're a very honest man. Tell me, how does it feel, seeing you again? Will you keep loving me like what you've declared loudly in that empty classroom? How does it feel, letting your face into my mind for the second time?_

_I'm afraid, Aikawa. I'm a coward, and all those words said by Kiryu-senpai for me, after he woke up and dressed himself, were absolutely true. I much prefer hiding under this darkness and keeping my broken heart than letting you see it. My broken heart, I mean._

Kuon stopped for a stroking Nanao's hair when he felt his cell phone vibrated inside his pocket. With one hand he picked it up, the other resumed its former activity, stroking Nanao's hair. "Good evening, Kuon Aikawa speaking."

Nanao didn't listen to what Kuon said on the phone. But no long after, he stopped stroking his hair for real. Nanao could hear him standing up, but he didn't expect a whisper near his ear. It felt so near it brought wonderful—_no, it's painful!_—memories from the past.

"Towa's sick, Nanao-san, and I have to take care of him. Aniki works overtime today."

_Alright, Aikawa. Get well soon, Aikawa-kun. Get well soon for him, he's a nice kid even though his naivety is so exasperating. Get well soon for him, for he's so important for you._

Kuon was wearing his jacket when he heard Nanao let out a noise. He looked back and saw Nanao opening his mouth, and Kuon froze on his spot.

"Ge-get…w-we-well... s-s-s-soon." Nanao's voice was extremely hoarse, and he hadn't opened his eyes, but it was enough for Kuon.

"Thank you, Nanao-san." He kissed Nanao's forehead lovingly. "I should go."

_Go, Aikawa. Don't make me fall for you even more, when all I want to do is to break up with you! But I love you, I love you, and I love you, and this is for the best..._

_...right?_

*.*

"Nanao-kun."

_Don't call me Nanao-kun. You remind me of that terrible night. Satonaka-sensei always calms me Nanao-kun. But this is Nagahisa Aikawa-san, Aikawa's older brother, just as naive as Aikawa's younger brother. I know I can't do anything to change that nickname._

_Hi, Aikawa-san. You must've not known that my sister likes you. Why are you here, anyway? You don't know about my former relationship with your second brother. It's been a long time since we started dating, and a month after that terrible night, and you're here _now_?_

"Kuon's working, but I want to see you. Mind not telling him?"

_Hmph. What good will I get from telling him? We're no longer dating, even though Aikawa still comes every day._

"I saw you two yesterday... when I went to pick up Kuon. And Shirahane-san told me."

_So... you just found out? I really want to tease you, Aikawa-san. Now, what are you going to say? That your little brother is too good for a pathetic young man like me? Aikawa has told me he loved me, but what does that mean after that night. And he hasn't said it again after the incident in the class back then, after Kiryu-senpai left._

_Maybe he's forgotten._

"I think I should thank you."

_Huh?_

"Kuon is... happier with you," Nagahisa laughed nervously, and he didn't realise Nanao moved his hand a bit.

_That's impossi—_

_Hey. Wait a sec._

_Maybe you're right, Aikawa-san. I've never seen him smiling at anybody but at you, his brothers, and _me_._

"Even the... naive me can see that. To be honest, you scared me. But Kuon likes you, and I guess we should get along better from now on." Nagahisa sighed. "I don't know what happened—"

_That's good._

"—but you aren't happy, Shirahane-san and Mikado-kun also say so. Kuon isn't happy too, I can see that." Nagahisa paused and sighed again. "Something big has happened, and please, back like you used to be, Nanao-kun."

_You're so nice, Aikawa-san, but I doubt it._

"I bring you our homemade dinner, maybe you'll like it. I should go, see you later, Nanao-kun."

Then he left, leaving a new impression in the younger man.

_Maybe he isn't as naive as I thought._

Not knowing why, the thought made him want to laugh, so he laughed, a loud one in the darkness. What he didn't know was Nagahisa was still standing near the bedroom door and thus he heard about it. Smiling widely, the twenty-four year old man ran downstairs, looking for Kimiko to tell her that there was a small improvement on her most fragile little brother.

*.*

Kuon came later that night, and he was so quiet that Nanao didn't realise his arrival. The worst thing was Nanao was eating—Nagahisa's homemade meal never failed to satisfy his stomach.

"Nanao-san."

Nanao blinked at him, mostly because the light from outside flooded into his dim room, shocking him. He threw his bowl to the floor and jumped onto his bed, readied himself to retreat into the shell of darkness once again, and Kuon wasn't going to let it be.

"Nanao-san!"

_Shut up, Aikawa! I've got to go, Satonaka-sensei is laughing in the darkness again, and that's where I belong!_

"Open your eyes, Nanao-san!" Kuon squeezed Nanao's shoulders—for the first time since Nanao kicked him out, Kuon touched Nanao's other body parts other than his hair—and started shaking him.

_Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!_

"Please!"

Nanao froze in Kuon's hard grip. His shock when he heard Kuon's plea made him forget the darkness and Satonaka's laugh in the side of his mind.

"Nanao-san," Kuon finally called, his tone calm and warm.

_Your voice is so soft, Aikawa. Are you sure you're talking to me using such a... loving tone like that? Your voice is so soft and loud at the same time. It's no longer a whisper, your voice is like a loud yell in my ears._

Nanao stared unfocusedly at Kuon, and his hands started to tremble. Kuon sat him down and stroked his hair as usual.

_You're so kind, Aikawa. Your hand hasn't changed._

"I'm really sorry this takes so long, Nanao-san. But I just talked to the dean. Izumi's friend is a Law student. They can debate better than I do."

_Oh. Oh. Oh. Can I hope…?_

"Satonaka won't touch you anymore, Nanao-san."

At that exact moment, the darkness inside Nanao's mind completely crumbled, torn to pieces by the light that had waited too long to invade Nanao's mind with the familiar warmth of love. Tears ran his cheeks, and he hurriedly lifted his hand to cover his face in total shame.

"You!" he screamed hoarsely, letting out everything that has been inside his mind. "Why are you here?! I told you I want to break up with you! Why are you always like this?!"

_You can get any cute young girl you want, but you're here with me instead!_

"You can get any cute young girl you want, but you're here with me instead!"

"Nanao-san…"

Nanao's sobs filled the room, and he finally managed to speak between his heartbreaking cries. "I… I…"

_I'm lower than anything. I'm a horrible, detestable lowlife. I couldn't even protect my body. I'm horrible._

"I… couldn't even protect my body… I'm h-ho-horrible..."

Kuon listened intently. His eyes narrowed when Nanao insisted that his body was the only thing he could offer Kuon, but he said nothing and waited until Nanao finished speaking.

"Nanao-san," he called once again when Nanao had finally stopped talking before pulling him into his arms. Nanao gripped Kuon's jacket so hard his nails stabbed on his palms, leaving half-moon marks on his pale palms.

"That's not true at all, it's not. You aren't a very expressive person, so you may think that's all you can offer me. That's what you might think, but that isn't true."

"Ai-aikawa?" Nanao coughed as he spoke the name. After being under the darkness for a very long time, calling out the name of the light saviour of his gave him extreme relief inside himself.

Kuon stroked his boyfriend's trembling head and back. "I love you, Nanao-san."

Nanao screamed, weak and hoarse because hadn't used it for so long. It was a scream of desperation and relief at the same time.

_Aikawa, you still remember. You love me? Am I dreaming?_

"I love you, Nanao-san." Kuon repeated, and Nanao also repeated his scream, relief streamed inside him like a bursting dam. "I love everything about you. I love your fragile parts and your fierce, stubborn side too. I love how you can't manage to express yourself well. And the thousand other things, Nanao-san, that I can't possibly can't put into words. I love them all."

Nanao no longer had the strength to scream or cry. He only buried his face on Kuon's shoulder and sobbed quietly.

"You should have more self confidence, okay?" Kuon continued as he stroked, again and again, Nanao's head and back, feeling the trembles much lessened. "You're never again to think that all I care about is your body, because it's the biggest lie that you've ever told yourself. You're the only one I'm going to hold in my arms from now on. You hear me, Nanao-san?"

_Yes. Yes, I hear you. I hear you clearly. So clearly that I'm sure I'm not dreaming or under that darkness. Not anymore._

Nanao only nodded, speaking ability had escaped his mind. But Kuon understood.

"So you'll do well to remember that, Nanao-san." Kuon released himself from the hug and gave a kiss on Nanao's lips—_no don't it's dirty no no_—giving back a small spark of feeling they both had missed. Nanao flinched, but didn't resist.

"I love you completely, Nanao-san."

Nanao fell into his arms again, and they spent the night together. Both of them knew they still had a long way to go. Nanao wouldn't heal overnight, and Kuon still had more things to do regarding this problem. Besides, Aragaki's older sister had given her agreed to be Nanao's lawyer if he wanted to sue his teacher.

But the most important thing was: as long as the darkness didn't attack Nanao, and the light by the name of Kuon Aikawa stayed by his side, all would be just fine.

**FIN.**

* * *

A/N: This was made in a rush, so sorry if there are some mistakes. And actually Nagahisa calls Nanao 'Nanao-san' like Kuon (sorry!), and I make it 'Nanao-kun' to fit with the context (and because Nagahisa wants to feel closer to his future 'bro-in-law') ;)


End file.
